English
中国人
ខ្មែរ
Professor Archibald Pumbleton-Smythe, a man whose mustache had its own gravitational pull and whose vocabulary could make a thesaurus weep with envy, was the most flamboyantly erudite instructor at the Berlitz-esque Babel Academy. His specialty was teaching 'extinct and utterly useless languages'—a niche he defended with the fervor of a zealot, insisting that the subjunctive mood of Classical Mongolian was the key to unlocking the universe's secrets. His nemesis, the insufferably smug Dr. Eloisa Chattering, taught 'Marketing Jargon for the Modern Age' and had a PowerPoint presentation for every occasion, including her own birthday. When the Academy announced its annual Polyglot Prowess Competition, with the grand prize being a year's sabbatical in a luxurious, all-expenses-paid villa in Tuscany, Archibald's mustache bristled with ambition—he simply had to win, not for the villa, but to prove that his beloved dead languages could triumph over the soulless efficiency of corporate speak.
The competition's format was diabolically simple: contestants had to learn a new language from a sealed envelope in just one week, and then perform a dramatic monologue in that language before a panel of judges that included a former UN interpreter, a celebrated poet, and a woman who claimed to speak fluent dolphin. Archibald tore open his envelope with theatrical flair, only to find the words 'Klingon' printed in bold, mocking letters. He had, of course, scoffed at Klingon as a 'puerile fabrication for trekkies,' and now the universe was conspiring to make him eat his words, likely with a side of gagh. His rival, Dr. Chattering, drew 'Portuguese' and immediately began rehearsing a sultry fado number, while Archibald, in a panic, sequestered himself in the library, surrounded by dusty tomes and a single, suspiciously well-worn Klingon dictionary that smelled faintly of mothballs and regret.
